2% or fiery doom (with safer bike trails)

by Mark Johnson
What a beautiful early September. The air is crisp, the breezes gentle, and hints of yellow, orange, and red have just begun to speckle the green canopy over our streets and homes. It is a magical time of year, and as life fades away from our trees, yards, and gardens, I am reminded that it’s also time for city government to decide how much more money they will be taking from us this year.

Yes, as I watch those dead leaves drift to the pavement and under the wheels of a passing bus, I see instead my dollar bills mangled, then washed down the gutter by the last cool rainfall of the season. I remember that as I work harder than ever to innovate and better serve the needs of my customers, the public employees we’ve hired to run the city are also hard at work innovating language to justify the increase of property taxes while property values have decreased and the economy continues to weaken.

There might be talk of pensions, or ‘Acts of God’ requiring struggling Minneapolis residents to dig even deeper. There will, of course, be the usual appeals to fear, particularly those alluding to the fiery doom that awaits us all due to the jubilant classification of the Fire Department as the most fatty portion of meat to be trimmed. Alas, there can be no justification for extracting more money from less resources, but justification is irrelevant when an organization has access to magical powers beyond those of any private company: the ability to extract money from objecting, protesting subjects.

We will be kindly asked to purchase whatever the city offers us for this additional 2%. And, while these precious additional services will certainly be desirable, even irresistible, no doubt driving some to mad fits of joy, my observations reveal the grumbling majority would instead prefer the same city services, at the same, opulent premium paid last year.

‘How dare these neighbors ask to keep their money?’

Well, I can only conclude that these residents have somehow imagined some purpose even more congruent with their family’s needs…incredibly, one capable of benefitting themselves even more soundly and immediately than solutions provided by the city. Maybe, for example, such funds could instead be devoted to, oh I don’t know, a mortgage or car payment. Excuse my lack of confidence in the creativity Mr. Rybak, the City Council, and the Bicycle and Pedestrian Coordinator to evaluate and satisfy every family’s most pressing need.

It could be argued that the relocations, foreclosures, and other hardships encouraged by this increase (an increase that will be higher than 2% for most) will be redeemed by the future work of the new Bicycle and Pedestrian Coordinator, who can be expected to inherit a bounty of dependents as we gradually decrease the number of residents able to afford a car payment at all. If the city continues to insist on property tax increases, perhaps we can look forward to the day when even bicycles grow unaffordable so that the renamed and specialized “Pedestrian Coordinator” can tackle the much more environmentally-friendly problems caused by armies of commuters on foot, occupying the width of our network of streets and highways.

The beauty of the great outdoors, leisure, work, and time with family aside, what better way to spend a next Tuesday afternoon than attending a city budget hearing to oppose the continuation of destructive property tax increases? (Well, I admit there may be a few.) But come to City Hall, room 317 at 4:00 pm anyway (next Tuesday 9/13) if you’re fed up with all this like I am. There will be time for public comment.